The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
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Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.