I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
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One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it