GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.