Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
You Might Also Like
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
This fish is cracking me up
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
we all know this pain all too well
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
This is so me 😂😂
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.