Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
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bears
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids