Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping