I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————