My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
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Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro