I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
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Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Yup!
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well