*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
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Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.