FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
He wanted to make sure😂
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?