What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
You Might Also Like
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.