I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
😂😂
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.