Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
You Might Also Like
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I like crazy people until they notice me
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.