Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
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Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
mood
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said