ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
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Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Why is this me 😫
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.