Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
You Might Also Like
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I feel attacked.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.