Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
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Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My life coach traded me.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden