I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
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What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I wish I could veto my bills.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
who will stop them
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*