Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
PLOT TWIST:
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.