Sign at work today
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny