They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
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A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.