imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy