As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
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Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.