2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.