“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
BRO LMFAO
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”