Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
okay run it by me one more time
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store