Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
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I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Watermelon Boss!
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.