[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
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It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco