If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
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Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.