Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off