Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
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Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
i really liked this one
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.