If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates