Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying