It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
oh u like geography? name every lake
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.