Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
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My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.