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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.