*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix