And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.