Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
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getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
we’re gonna need another temp
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful