REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
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But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I think I’m having a stroke
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Saturday
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!