Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
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Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
see you in hell you stupid fruit
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*