It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
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interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.