My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Ummm
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”