99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
yes… yes…
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
*checks Timeline*…
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t