Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.