I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
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Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.