My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
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birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes