God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The options really are this bad
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.