her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.